Gems & glitter glue journal covers
January 23, 2021

A project I’ve been doing the last few weeks of January has been decorating my journal covers. I felt inspired to collage my money tracking book though watching ihanna pimp hers, when she said ‘When they are colourful and pretty I tend to use them more’ I thought ‘Yes! So true!’ Don’t get me wrong I’m no stranger to black sketchbooks, I have a shelf of them. Though when she said this my heart somersaulted and it did it again while I was in a craft store looking at a box of gems.

I followed this feeling (and another of replacing my old glue gun since watching Paris Hilton at her canvas) and got both. After some pink paint, two glue guns an 8mm and 7mm, 2 boxes of gems, and 25 sticks of glitter glue it was complete.

This project was paused while I scanned local shops for a 7mm glue gun, waited for the glitter to come in slow pandemic mail, and generally had the inner critic hovering round ‘Is this even going to work/look good/be finished, ever?!

I wanted these journal covers to be strong and beautiful, I added pictures of me as a celebration of myself.

I added words TRUST and BE then finally FAIL, the last is important as I’m learning when we fail we learn about ourselves and grow as a person. There’s also a great podcast hosted by Elizabeth Day called How to fail.

It was fun, if I was to do it again I would skip straight to the smaller glue gun and more glitter glue sticks. I played the entire time, I didn’t watch a video or look up ‘How to glue gun gems’ I went ahead and did it. When I glittered the page with purple and silver I felt like I had made a book for a princess.

Ah, another somersault.

These journals are half done, I’ve had them a year and instead of going to buy another and ‘starting afresh’ I’m choosing to finish these in all their glory and make them uniquely mine. I’ve never done this before and I’m not sure of the order of dates and it will be full of painting, collage and mixed media – I’m going with it!

I’d love to see your journal covers, share your comments below.

 

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Blog  / Creativity

Taking down old memos
January 22, 2021

I’ve been thinking a lot about memos, the quotes we are encouraged from books and personal development people to put up – anywhere and everywhere.

I remember I once hand wrote in pencil on some brown paper (it’s all I had to hand at the time) a list of quotes from a Wayne Dyer book. I stuck it to the frame of my ceiling high easel and painted for hours at a time. It took me years to be rid of a scrap of paper, over time it became worn and every place I moved to it would come out of the box to be put up again. It wasn’t only the words on the page it was how I felt at the time of writing them, I had a positive association with it much like a photograph. I wanted a daily reminder that something good existed, some hope and wisdom.

I do the same now though I do things differently, I don’t quite do a Maria Kondo ‘Does this bring me joy’ purge though I do look at it as see what I feel, see if I need it and if it’s even still relevant.

We change over the years in small ways and sometimes leaps and bounds, it’s ok to change things up and not feel sorry for doing do.

I recently got rid of a piece of folded paper about 3 inches wide that said ‘I can be what I will to be’ I had kept it for 5 years at my desk, then my vision board, and now office space. I looked at it and yes I did feel empowerment rushing through me. I also felt sad for twenty years old me reaching out for help and being confined to a small note for comfort and support. A day later at college we discussed ‘will’ and I thought damn my note, I got rid of it! Though I got a whole new explanation of what will is and it was fantastic. The mental agency that transforms awareness into action…the bridge between desire and act…the power of beginning (and finishing I’d like to add) of successive things…the trigger of effort the mainspring of action.

I didn’t put it on my wall though it was inspiring.

I have kept a few things up: Eric Maisel’s What Working Means, Leonie Dawson’s JOY IS AN OPTION EMBRACE POSSIBILITY, and another on aligning actions and intentions. I have a small art piece with ‘Lead’ on it and Cait Flander’s ‘Choose your own financial adventure’. On another School for Mothers founder’s (also mother of ten) words ‘Don’t be afraid to be strategic’.

I have the human bill of rights too, Pete Walker’s books changed my life in ways I didn’t foresee for the better and though it may seem strange to some or even drastic, it helps me identify my boundaries and use them in life.

I once had a scrap of paper that said ‘Follow your inner moonlight don’t hide the madness’ from beat poet Allen Ginsberg, which still resonates.

Others I have used for collage or thrown after a ‘goodbye thank you for serving me’.

Life’s too short to have memos and messages for a version of us we have outgrown or the new chapter we are entering now.

Have you had a similar experience? Share your thoughts in the comments below, I read every one and usually reply.

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Blog  / Lifestyle

I’m writing a memoir – take three!
January 19, 2021

I’m writing a memoir, I feel like I am and I keep writing at short available times in my week. I’m writing again and it feels wonderful. (I want that sentence to read – I’ve written a memoir at some point).

Yet, I remember I’ve been here before. Twice before.

Time 1: At 18 with a poetry book with verses of metaphors of working a horrible job and an equally horrible relationship I relied on heavily. Perhaps it’s better that didn’t yet release. Though part of the failure of the process as I didn’t know to make it into a physical book, even to self publish or market it. The help I had was played against me ‘If you do/don’t do this I will/won’t help you’. That was 10 years ago, the software has changed and I can I believe try again. It also taught me to unclench my claws on the outcome at your never ever again rely so much on someone’s help.

Attempt 2: The year I was single, in my twenties. Ah yes, what seems like a distant memory being married and raising a child, did happen and it’s written about somewhere in my files. I’m learning it takes time to allow, follow, let in and live with trust and love, that’s what the book was themed on. I rushed it, I wrote and wrote for hours on days off, and sadly feels like for nothing. Still, I got words on a page and processed how I felt at what felt like the strangest time of my life.

This will be attempt 3, or my first success. I’m writing about life because it’s what I know to do. Like how Frida Kahlo painted self-portraits because she was the person she knew best.

This time I’m not rushing it, there will be an end goal, a deadline though if anything motherhood teaches you firstly – you can’t rush this transitional period of life. You can if you want to fall flat on your face. I’ll be writing this year 2021 and possibly 2022 too. I may feature some content on here though the majority will be hidden till release, this is a personal book and I’m writing for myself first.

I would love to do this the way I could only dream of – hire an agent, get a book deal, sign up to a publisher, have a marketing plan. Though who knows and self-publishing isn’t bad nor are kindle books. I want to get out of my comfort zone = people reading my book!

Some topics I’ll be exploring are motherhood, shame, acceptance and thriving exactly as I am.

Here is an except from the work in progress introduction:

It was as if that moment granted me new eyes to see why her Narcissistic traits began in the first place, something was unresolved and I felt her anger, regrets, negativity and criticism in full force like never before. On the outside I was calm Mama on the inside I felt sad and angry, I was hurt and I didn’t know why.
I set aside time to read each day to learn more about human behaviour, childhood patterns and asked my family questions no one had before. I made a creative space for us to make art and meditate. I started writing again and liked it. I remembered happy childhood memories buried deep.
This is the where the book birthed from, peeling back layers of myself minus the yoga and denouncing myself as my Nana’s apprentice.
Who was I now?

Christmas Day polaroids 2020

 

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Blog  / Creativity

Toddlers and technology
January 12, 2021

There are two pieces of advice I have been following when it comes to technology and a toddler, one from Phillippa Perry’s The book your parents should have read (and your children will be glad you did) and the other from a friend who writes over at mamapleasedontcry.com 

Perry’s book is the first book I’ve read that captures the essence of what we want parents to be like and shares honest stories from her experience and clients she’s had of how it happens. Sure we can create a balance, routine and open the door for honest communication though it isn’t instantaneous and slowly, through much repetition manifests. 

Let’s talk about the iPhone, SK loves a new gadget the same as any small human with a developing brain and the line I use is ‘I cannot allow you to use my phone’. It’s simple, it’s direct and to the point. I felt I was growing in assertiveness and boundaries the first few dozen times I used it. It has worked to a point, though there’s something else that has helped greatly. 

The notion of less importance. 

It’s perfectly illustrated between me and my partner, I am learning the ways of a ‘digital minimalist’ I talk about this more in this video. I have removed apps from my phone such as social media, youtube, Netflix, and BBCiplayer. If I for some reason want to share something or watch something and can’t do so from my other devices, I install the app carry out my task then delete it again. This helps me feel less consumed by the age of information, I feel less attached to the online world and my phone is simply more of a phone. 

I spend more of my waking days in tasks, in play, and generally more present, I’m not scrolling and overall I think it shows I value real-time in the here and now. I’m also less interested in the validation of others through likes. 

Our little one gets bored, hands me back the phone to put on the shelf and walks away (most of the time).

A phone is a communication device, the moment it becomes a source of watching videos it becomes like a handheld TV. Not only that but it’s tailored to your toddler’s fingertips as they at age 20 months learn to scroll, flick, press stuff. Oh god, what are you watching?? Who are you calling??

My partner, however, is a techno enthusiast. I’m not sure how this has happened as I don’t remember him being like this when we met. I feel the online world of apps is very persuasive, they reel you in to escape and buy yet more stuff till time has gone by and all you have done is watch a screen while the household is being managed in the background. I understand that it can be a source of learning, even prayer books are on there and in this time of social distancing Sangat (holy company). Though I have problems when I need some disengagement from technology and an all hands on deck approach, yesterday. 

Another thing I have learned is not to fall into deprivation, depriving a person of something (no matter how small) that is there and they wanted a long toddler two minutes. So that allowing in allowing the time and giving one or two verbal reminders that it is coming off soon and not grabbing it forcefully. After all, if we were working in our job, how would we feel if someone closed off the power to our computer – pretty annoyed! Our concentration has gone and respect out of the window. I would much prefer a warning the power was going to be shut off first. 

Here are some guidelines and balance I have arrived at with my partner so far:

When you come home Youtube, Children’s Youtube, Netflix and any other app like it will be deleted if you are to have your phone out all the time with our child (obviously I wouldn’t do this with guests or anyone else). I’ve found SK gets bored quickly when there’s nothing to watch and eventually tires of listening to music and looking at videos of herself. I’d rather her watch things on a bigger screen like you know olden times…

I’ve removed your social media from the front screen so she can’t easily flick through other people’s stuff on Instagram. I haven’t deleted the apps though my basic rule is everything can be uploaded again and you’re not missing out on not having it all the time. 

No iPads before bedtime, use it when she is defiantly asleep (like I do) if I need to delete Youtube I will every time. We have books! This may sound harsh and even controlling though when you have been caring for a little one 12 hours and you want to rest, the last thing you need is an iPad to bump that number up to a 16 hour day. 

Still a work in progress. Share your thoughts in the comments below! 

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Motherhood + Selfcare  / Blog

3 Things I’ve let go of in 2020 during COVID-19
December 18, 2020

I feel this blog post could have a whole host of titles: things I’ve let go of as a mum of a now toddler or while I stick to the long winding path of job hunting. Ah, sigh. 

If anything this time has put in the forefront the things we value most, how we chose to use our time and what we spend money on. 

This isn’t about constant social media usage though I let go of that 6 months ago. Here they are: 

Bye-bye journaling for now 

I don’t journal every day like my life depended on it – The truth is, up until a few weeks ago I was hot on journaling. I’ve been journaling on and off since I was 11, I would almost always recommend it to others, I would profusely explain my journey of doing it, Julia Cameron’s morning pages etc. Though after reading Pete Walker’s book. I took a step back to realising it may have been more of a coping strategy than solace.

In having time away from writing in it I’m better able to process my feelings and talk out loud, I feel in my being as an adult like never before. I’m not saying I will never put pen to paper again and it is a great tool to express and relax before creating something. Though I think it stops me from feeling how I feel in the present and communicating in the now. I’m doing much more of that and I feel I’m growing for it. 

I closed my ongoing writing practice writing ‘Ok journal, thank you for being here and I will write in here again when I feel to’. I feel like I’m growing out of the skin I was in writing in my self-conscious teens, desperate twenties, and even the confused hopeful thirty years old me now. 

It illustrates something that’s been coming up, one size doesn’t fit all – though marketing, media, authors – anyone will tell you it does. This is my first act of letting go. 

Exercising almost every day 

I’ve always enjoyed exercise, I’m one of those semi-rare people that do. Movement and I have been on a journey through these lockdowns. I started by doing tons of Kundalini Yoga, in teaching it I practiced the set throughout the week. I moved to do Pilates classes after I fell down a flight of stairs injuring my coccyx and did so almost every other day. 

This I feel, is a great lesson my daughter has taught me so far – no matter how much of a routine you have, things change and the quicker you quit complaining and blaming people for your lack of meditation, exercise, or whatever activity, the better life will be. There’s nothing like a child waking up with teething pain to remind you to let go of your attachments and this is a moment, a bunch of moments, not the rest of your life. 

I am a huge believer exercise is one of the best tools for mental health – move a muscle to move a thought, comes to mind. There have been times through COVID, being cooped up with my husband’s family that thirty minutes of exercise has felt sanity-saving. However, like turning to a journal it’s all too easy to turn to exercise as a form of fixing. I’m slim in build and rushing exercise can affect my whole day in a negative sense as I haven’t had time for a cool-down. 

I am now doing thirty-minute pilate classes once or twice a week, I am letting go of the pressures of a need to exercise and listening to my body more. 

A life less rushed 

An obvious one to many who have found life a la slowed down this year, I have found I have let go of rushing on a new level. I have let go of rushing to please other people, to follow the suit of friends who are making children’s crafts, buying great clothes, reading a book a week, to watching the newest talk. I am less inclined to rush our child through potty training, to talking, to doing things herself before she is ready, and to go to the park almost every day.

It’s as if time and limited resources have inserted a pause, it has not gone unnoticed this time. I rushed to find work and nothing happened then as I slowly surrendered to life as a stay at home mum, I looked again and went a different and even slower route has opened up. I have rushed all year to find a solution that brings peace to where I am in life and where we live. In the Summer I gazed enviously at flats and made harsh remarks about wanting to live near the fields and forest and spent many mornings wanting to move home to familiarity and away from the drudge of East London. 

Then I read this:

Home isn’t necessarily a place is it 

The above line is from the fabulous book The Boy, the fox, the mole, and the horse by Charlie Mackesy.

I have been through a myriad of emotions this year, the past 2 years, living with my husband and his mum. There are pros and cons, there always will be. I’m not sure I will ever feel relaxed here. This artist’s work helped me acknowledge I feel homesick often. I don’t know if a home is there, here or where I will be in the future. I get caught up in it all till I feel I have no home at all. 

Home isn’t necessarily a place that reminds me to let go of the what-ifs, the when, the endless questions and plans my mind churns up, to let go and trust more. It’s easy to say and hard to do day to day though I have some more inner work to do and faith that as I know better I can do better in the now. 

 

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Blog  / Lifestyle

A hard lesson I learned leaving a long term relationship and 3 things I do now with my money
October 27, 2020

Putting a little money aside each month or paying yourself first is something we all strive for and some of us do.

I learned a hard lesson in my twenties that serves me now in my thirties.

I left home for a seemingly loving relationship straight out of college with who I thought was my best friend, my rock. We both worked full time then he later went self-employed and I became the sole earner.

I didn’t earn much and I overlooked that nearly all of my wage went on bills, that he was becoming more controlling and restrictive on what I spent. On the outside it looked like we were doing well, starting up a photography business, putting a new kitchen in and backpacking around Asia in the Winter.

It was a facade. We saved every penny to backpack, he blew a large inheritance on a photography kit that was used for a few weddings and he relied heavily on his mum like a child.

I became like a child too, dependant on his say-so especially around money.

Though my most surprising lesson was the amount of time we stayed together and the little I had to show for it.

At the end of nine years, I finally packed up my stuff. I paid £800 rent and bills for the month of a house I no longer lived in, we rented from his mum’s previous house, there was no legal contract and I’m wasn’t sure where I stood. I paid for groceries on a credit card and a weekend away that I would much later pay off.

I felt I was back at zero lighter than ever before, so was my bank balance.

While I’m thankful I had petrol money to fill my tank, had I saved even £10 or £25 a month when I was broke and sacrificed something I would have had £1000 or close to £3000 over nine years. Further still had I put away £100 a month, I would have had £10,000 in the bank.

Though living with your parents is most times rent-free, there are other costs like food, basic needs, petrol and leisure to take into account.

No one wants to food shop alone with only the money on a credit card after a break-up. It’s hard enough.

In order not to fall into the same trap in my current relationship, the circumstance is different though the money situation all too familiar. I’m looking for work, while studying and being a stay at home mum, here are three things I am doing:

I put away a small amount into a separate savings account (no apps it’s online only) NO MATTER WHAT. At the moment it’s £25 though I hope to get it to £50 a month, then £100 and so on. This is the most subtle habit and game-changer of them all.

I put away a small amount to my yearly bills, as not to get caught out in the months my car, website, or parking fees are due. I have a standing order of £40 a month for this, my next goal is to double it and make it £80.

I have lots of pockets of money spread over three accounts with specific nicknames. To better manage food shopping, reach small savings goals, and to ease any money guilt when it comes to spending on myself.

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Personal Finance  / Blog