Taranjeet Kaur

Filling up my cup each morning as a new mum

June 28, 2019

Being a new mum is wonderful, it’s great. Though at times it’s work. A job with many joys, a labor of love.

I’m finding there’s a little extra time in my mornings now, S.Kaur sleeps till 9ish if we’re not rushing to go somewhere. Sometimes, only once recently, I got a full nights sleep, 7 hours.

This brings me to an open window of time, say 4-6am then 6am-9am. Though I am tired beyond getting up if I’ve got up already in the night or not slept well.

There’s a window of opportunity to get up and fill my cup somehow.
The first time this happened on a good nights sleep I was ecstatic! I wasn’t even sure where to put the extra energy. Of course, it didn’t last and I overlooked a key new mum rule – don’t expect every night/day to be the same.

Still, I have this time and it’s golden. It’s not always a tidy space or enlightening experience but it’s Taran time and I love it.

Before I go into what I’ve actually been doing, another fault I found was to do a lot of things, even enjoyable and things like exercise and writing and get so overwhelmed in the doingness of it all, it leaves no time to rest in the silence, the tranquility. Also not having a cut off time can lead to feeling disheartened and a longing to do more.

It instills discipline at least, and good habit making even if the schedule is different slightly every day.

While I haven’t mastered anything just yet, here’s three things that are working now:

A warm shower followed by a cold shower, opens up the capillaries and activates the glandular and the nervous system. It’s being proven now in clinical trials to help depression as it sends many electrical impulses to the brain. This is a huge part of a Kundalini lifestyle and just one reason it’s called a science. Before, I never used to have showers in the morning, I would of thought it weird but they’re great and surprising how long you can stay under cold water.

A short yoga set followed by meditation. I’m currently doing 40 days of meditation to burn inner anger and at first, I was doing alternate leg stretches, camel ride and pelvic tilts to wake my body up and focus for meditation. Then, this block of time emerged and I started doing actual yoga sets again! It feels wonderful, I’m feeling like my best self again. The key thing to remember is all yoga Kriyas (unless specified) must be followed by a Savasana or rest of around 3-9 minutes. This is so you rest after all the postures and movements you’ve done and your body is energized and repairs too. You work for your Savasana and that’s where the real work happens.

I ask myself what is the one thing I can do that will drive my business forward. Or one thing I want to get done today. I’m in the process of setting up Yoga classes again, this time regularly in a hall and at home. This requires some learning, planning, admin and being inspired. I start with whatever I can do best with no interruptions and track my progress daily.

I also read Bani (reading Sikh prayers) though I definitely do not have the time nor the energy to sit for an hour and a half at the moment. I spoke about this in the podcast Nitnem, sometimes. What I do do is read the first Banis and they are my one point focus, I have them playing, I do Simran and I read, then listen to the discourse on the daily Hukumnana. Though not necessarily in that order. I’m also making an effort to listen and watch Kathas.

As S.Kaur grows I’m sure it will change, for now, I’m doing the best I can.

What do you find works for you in the mornings? Or as a new mum what are you re-remembering of yourself?

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Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

Darkness, lightness we grow

June 23, 2019

This journal page started off as an open letter to life, in pen I wrote freehand all the things that were bothering me, a term that kept getting repeated was ‘Another key annoyance is..’ As I wrote freely, I started to see positives to the things that were bothering me and felt lighter.

Nothing had changed or was solved though I explored feelings and got it out on a page that I knew no one was going to read as it would also be full of hidden messages with layers of paint on top.

I had a comment on Instagram about the terms darkness and light a while back, they were saying there was no darkness because it’s all something to learn from and embrace. While I get what they’re getting at, there are days where I am in darkness. I feel unhappy, dissatisfied, not understood, striving for change that is ultimately gradual and uncertain about life.

There’s no denying it and I feel I’m getting better at sitting in the not-knowingness of life and ‘living my questions now’.

We are all familiar with contrast, we see differences in people, clothes, things, and experiences. We can learn something from it instead of jumping forward to label it, something I feel happens in bullying.

Sometimes you have to be in that darkness, sit in it till you see or feel some lightness in your being. Without the dark, we wouldn’t know light.

The word Guru translates to Gu – from darkness Ru – to light. That teacher which carries you from darkness to light. In the here and now we have people, experiences and teachings that that take us from a place of being in darkness to a lightness.

Yogi Bhajan once said if you’re having a wonderful ecstatic experience meditating, you’re not doing it right. Meditation is a cleansing process, clearing the mental garbage of the mind.

Similar in life, we aren’t all happy all the time, we can, however, pay attention, get intentional and grow from where we are.

That in itself is spirituality.

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Blog / Creativity

Don’t seize the day

June 6, 2019

I’m finding (as a new mum) there is no specific ‘day’ to seize, only moments.
Pockets of time to squeeze in an activity or get a burst of inspiration.

While she naps I have a chunk of time though I’m not sure how long the timeline of that will be. As wonderful as it is (especially when there’s no one around to interrupt me) I don’t want her napping all day, she can play!

In these moments I take a quick shower, meditate, read/listen to prayers, watch Sikhnet, Basics of Sikhi or a Ted talk. I rewash bottles and prepare the next one, I fold laundry and listen to podcasts. Sometimes I make a podcast too on True talks with Taran.

Last night I had a dream with many parts that I’m trying to connect. It inspired me to open my journal after months of it sitting in a box, to seize the moment and record it. What do a cat, dog, super Dan (from Brooklyn Nine-Nine), sleeping husband, a table, a TV show I loathe and the Japji have in common? No idea, they must connect somehow?

Seize the day is something I used to go with on my days off, I used to say ‘I thought I’d seize the day and do a b c today!’

If it works for you – use it!

Though for now, I will seize moments, like this to write a short post. To meditate for 23 minutes or plan a short yoga class.

Things can get done even if they don’t feel they ever will.

Small steps big action.

If it gets too much, it often does for me, then slow your breathing right down. Tummy breathe.

Slower.

Do you also seize moments too? Share it below!

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Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

Switch off till Sunday experiment

June 2, 2019

I’m trialing something at the moment, a human or social experiment where I switch off from social media from Friday evening to Saturday evening, though usually, I extend it to Saturday night.

I did a podcast about it, interviewing my friend Channah about the Jewish practice of Sabbath.

I’m doing it for: a break away from something that’s so easy to flick to and browse, for the simple principle that it didn’t always exist so why should it always now, everything is temporary if Instagram dies (like Vine did) I don’t feel like I’ve wasted so much attention on it. Also, it’s a test on my will and to see what other things I can use that time for.

I think we all need time to switch off from things from time to time.
So far I’ve felt better than usual on Sundays and have more willingness to put energy into.

I didn’t have my own name for it then, you could call it Freedom Friday or Family investment time.

I like Switch off till Sunday.

Even today, (a Sunday) a reminder of it came up, as I was going back onto using my phone and social media – @hellobexa has a Sunday blog swap (on Twitter) I’m a fan of collecting new blogs and adding my own too! We, as a family went out to visit some relatives and Husband Ji forgot his phone. A common thing for some but not for him. He’s on his phone a LOT. Sometimes it’s Instagram, or looking up next buys but most commonly you’ll find him reading Paat (Sikh scripture, prayers) on a Gutka app.

I’m all for accessible Gurbani in life but all the time – no. No, because he won’t look up. No, because we can’t hold a conversation (or his driving guidance goes out the window). No, because he sometimes looks unsociable. No, because as a turbaned Sikh, I believe in order to be there for all, he needs to be present to all too.

I told him maybe Guru Ji wanted this for him to experience being completely present for a day. A gift from the Universe. And he even surprised himself, to maybe leave his phone alone on Sundays.

So far the experiment goes like this:

On Fridays I:

Try (though harder with a baby) to finish any ongoing tasks or tasks that haven’t been fulfilled all week that require a lot of work or attention.
Tidy and clean up my room late afternoon/evening – hoover, wipe surfaces, clean diffusers, empty the bins, I do the laundry and bed sheets every other week.
Then I cook some food and if there’s enough left over use it for Saturday.
I can spend Friday night – Saturday night doing things that bring me joy, relaxation, fun or simply focused family time.

So far I:
Have gone for a run with husband Ji on Fridays!
Read a few magazine articles outside in the sun.
Visited family, chatted and cooked with them.
Explored future ideas such as teaching yoga this September and restudying at some point.

Then on Sundays, I am open to going back on Instagram and Twitter, though I’m not actually in a rush to. I do something I want to (such as writing, podcasting.) I sometimes refer to it as Taran time and Daddy and daughter day.

I end the weekend drawing a rough schedule out for the week approaching and feel like I am beginning again. I plan or contact people I need to and overall I feel ahead of myself.

Though I’ve also learned so far it’s easy to get into overwhelm when a huge proportion of things you want to do, you do at the end of the week.

This happened earlier, I put on suncream and meditated for 23 minutes in the garden. It helped, I felt the overwhelm fade enough to write out just three tasks to do today. This blog post is one of them.

I aim to spread tasks out for the week, simple steps and seizing moments of time.

My friend Chanah who switches off for the Jewish practice of Sabbath says these key pointers:

DO
Set yourself enough time to do everything before you plan to unwind or before sunset. Make the room clean and peaceful where you can.
You could start it off with a candle lighting ceremony or just simply saying – Ok all done!
Have enough food to avoid going food shopping or make a batch to eat.
Treat yourself! Shower, read, talk to people, do a face mask, meditate for longer than usual – whatever makes you feel good and create a sense of happiness or meaning!
Make time for yourself, your friends, Sangat.
Spend extra time on spiritual activities – learn about a bani, listen to Katha and so on.
Do Seva or good deeds.

DON’T
Get stressed about cleaning, do what you can do and it’ll be worth it when it’s done.
Don’t be strict on yourself, your mental and physical health as well as your families come first. Don’t fall into – shoulds, what if’s, indecision and comparison.
Don’t do things you consider a chore or that generally make you go Meh!
Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work out how you want or expected.

We go over more on the podcast and to find out more follow @secretly.ch.ana on Instagram!

So far I’ve found a little withdrawal in not using my phone so much those two days, it manifests into frustration and I end up falling into blaming husband ji. It needs some work but I’m going to continue my experiment as long as I can.

Have you done or are doing a similar challenge? What activities would you add? Let me know in the comments below!

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Blog / Lifestyle

A transferable skill – One step ahead mama

May 19, 2019

A phrase I read on A couple of sense’s blog on life with a new baby has stuck with me ‘You will never procrastinate again’ and mostly, it is true.

I found myself thinking and saying aloud lately ‘It feels like I’m always in a state of doing’, ‘There’s always something to do’. Whether it be making bottles up, sterilizing the previous ones, putting a wash on, preparing a bag for a short trip out then to plan that around feeding and changing and finally leaving the front door!

I found for the first time in ages these thoughts disrupted my usual nap or sleep. I couldn’t switch off. At all. Not doing any form of creativity only makes it worse as I add on top things I could do and jot ideas down. A 30-minute nap turned into 30 minutes lying horizontal with my thoughts and silence.

‘I’m only here for Savasana’ totally fits.

A skill being busy does bring about is – being one step ahead- and it’s transferable. I now see why so many mums and dads I’ve been employed alongside me get things done and have a laid back attitude too.

This may seem obvious but it takes motivation and care to get up in the night and pump or check bottles, prepare with water, have a station set out so that 20 minutes before feed time – you are ready. No cries, no wails, you’ve got this and soon your baby and you go back to sleep.

If your not ahead or at least prepared, then you just get behind and it feels like you are crawling to get to where you should be.

I notice what feels good, accept I may not have it all sorted and what I can do to change things and feel good again.

Something I learned from listening to Jay Shetty being I interviewed on Under the Skin, a podcast with Russel Brand is that he used to say ‘I’ve had a busy day’ though it didn’t serve him in getting things done or reflecting on his day. He changed it up to ‘I’ve had a productive day’ and found it served him more in feeling good about his day and had a better sleep too.

As a new mum, I often don’t feel productive, life before meant I only associated productivity with some form of creativity, writing, painting or bullet journaling. Though if I’ve successfully fed, changed, put to sleep, fed, changed, entertained a little person (on repeat throughout the day, a 16 hour day) surely that is productive? Also on top of that if we’ve got out in the morning to see other mums and babies or go for a walk in the fresh air that is even more of a feat and surely productive and a great achievement in its own right.

So I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, neither should you.

And…If on days like today where I get to write then DAMN I have been productive.

Creativity is like a muscle, the more you use the more you strengthen it and creating becomes a habit then goal setting follows, something I’m going to dive deep back into.

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Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

Why breast isn’t always best – From breast feeding to formula

May 12, 2019

It amazes me how you learn and experience so much in the first five weeks of having a newborn baby, I have so much I want to write about but I’m so tired to do so! It’s as if I open my sketchbook or laptop and she hears, baby S is back in business!

Today I’ve set a timer and I’m writing, she’s napping (and yeah usually I would too as the new mum advice says to) it’s quiet, I’m writing, perfect harmony.

To start off with, when I was pregnant (as a first-time mum) I wasn’t even sure I could breastfeed. When it was brought up in a group I just nervously said ‘Yeah, I want to, if I can, you never know’. I wasn’t against formula or pro it either, there used to be a stigma around it being bad but I couldn’t really remember why. Were parents lazy? Could they just afford to buy their milk instead of using the free good stuff?

I wasn’t naive, though innocent having never been a mother.

I loved reading Ina May’s Spiritual Midwifery while pregnant, everything seemed so back to nature, women breastfeeding smiling and there is no mention of bottling milk anywhere.

In the days leading up to baby’s birth, we bought some Hungry Infant formula, just in case.

After the not to plan but beautiful birth anyway, unable to move my legs, covered in a heated blow up blanket and shivering while the meds wore off, I was encouraged to breastfeed and she took to it straight away! It felt like a miracle! It was as if she learned how to do it in the womb, staying in there an extra 10 days.

In our private room at the hospital, another great addition if available and can afford to, it was just the three of us, nurses popped in and again, were very encouraging about feeding on the breast.

Whether it was nurses, family or later at the doctors, the response to me breastfeeding was met with an enthusiastic ‘Good!’ Looking back I had been labeled ‘good’, what if I wasn’t, was I then ‘bad’?

The term ‘breast on demand’ was thrown around by the midwives and health visitor and at first, it sounded and was exciting a new challenge! My baby can only come to me for food as her mother that is my duty and privilege.

A week, then two and three go by and baby S is more grizzly than before, no one knows why she is crying. To my senses she’s full, having a full 40 minutes of breastfeeding twenty minutes before. This carries on and despite the beautiful skin to skin contact we were having at regular intervals, if there’s no breast, the baby is cross. She frowns, avoids my gaze and cries and cries.

Gradually people are coming up with the conclusion she’s hungry, she can’t be! I say back.

Slowly but surely people are talking about trying out formula. I listen and take in the words but I feel like a complete failure. A rocky sea brings hormonal waves of bursts of crying like I’ve been at a funeral and I just can-not-stop-crying.

People are now telling me if I’m sad the baby will sense it through the milk I make.

In true style to me, I research and read articles, I go on forums, then and only then, I take up the idea of formula. People can tell me their opinions all they want and they were respectful and wise enough to know I have the final say as her mother.

I make the decision to try formula, even though it feels like I’m failing at life (I even said this to my husband after a whole day of looking after baby S, not how I envisioned how we’d spend our time at new garden furniture), I feel guilty that it’s not ‘my’ milk and look at her as if to say ‘I’m sorry. Do you like it? Do you prefer mine? I’m really unsure about this but there are vitamins in this too’.

She takes the whole 4 ml. She looks at me REALLY looks at me and sleeps fine. I can see for the first time in weeks she’s happy and full. Our baby’s happy! A weight lifted and I felt happier too.

Also, I can see clearly now that the only person that had judged me was me. Family had supplemented with formula, so had my mum and a good friend reminded me that it’s a benefit of the modern world when years ago people struggled and babies were weak and sick.

As the bottled milk had such a great effect, I decided to finally use the pump so I could give her my milk in a bottle too. This gave me the maternal sense of giving and freedom to let her Nannie and Dad feed her too.

I then fell down the rabbit hole of learning the best methods of pumping, I fell into a comparison of all the mums on Youtube who went from making a little to a lotta milk. I pumped every three hours, the more you pump the more you send signals to your boobs that you’re up for making more to feed your baby. The more you have in little baggies in the freezer for ‘just in case’ the better.

But it’s not, not always or for everyone.

At first, I didn’t mind pumping, a common notion around new mums, I felt I was giving and while pumping I drank more water (more water and small but often meals means more supply), I enjoyed smoothies with cacao, oats, flaxseed and banana, I read a book or watched a show on Netflix. It felt refreshing to have a baby free twenty minutes. The only downside was I couldn’t really use my hands to do anything, I had one hand free to hold something and one hand on the pump. Also, Baby S didn’t take to the grinding hum of the pump so I went into another room to do so.

A small price to pay I thought at first.

Over time it became more frustrating, to give up the time I could have been playing with her, napping or tidying to simply sit and pump. Especially as she was taking so well to the formula.

I went into research mode and other mums on forums wrote they gave breast milk till their baby was four months or eight months, that was a long feat for me! Finally, I found other mums that stopped in a matter of weeks, it took some digging, though whatever you choose — breast only, breast and bottle feeding, a bit of both or just formula, you will find a supporting article for you.

I then feel into the guilt trip and worries of stopping pumping googling an unlimited number of sentences ‘Should I just give formula?’ ‘What happens when stop pumping? ’It turns out yes you can if you so choose and time. Ice too, though I haven’t tried yet.

As staring at my meditation space today and the window outside at the only sunny day we’ve had all week, I chose two things cutting my pumping session short, to meditate and then go for a walk outside. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and decisions, at family who were visiting in a few hours. I knew what would really serve me and happy mummy equals a happy baby, right?

I managed a short meditation, I spoke up about something that was frustrating me. I went for a walk and sat on a bench to gather my thoughts and turn them round Byron Katie’s The Work style and chilled out with family. I had a real conversation with another new mum (I’d been determined to have big talk rather than small talk) and baby had lots of cuddles, falling asleep in her Uncles arms.

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Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

Not to plan but beautiful birth

April 28, 2019

Firstly, I just want to say that I had whole heartedly planned for as natural as possible birth. I wrote on my birth preferences to only have drugs and any surgery if necessary for delivery. My story could easily be written as a ‘traumatic birth story’ and I’m not jumping to have more children yet. It seems crazy to me that as soon as you have a baby, people are intent that you will have another, when truly, I’m not sure! Society has it’s place of projecting people have more than one child. I will love and care for the one that’s come into the world and perhaps there is some emotional, as well as physical healing to be done.

MATERNITY LEAVE

I went on maternity leave as soon as I could, I felt unfulfilled in my role and was eager to leave. I also had immense upper back pain till about six months, it came on and off, especially when driving. This was a huge shift in thinking and doing as I used really worry about having enough money though this time I put health and my relationship first.

I used the three months to leisurely do a writing course online, do short art journaling course and paint in my journals. We went for tons of walks, even managing to find some woods in the built up area of London that we live. I saved money! I wrote about it here.

I had everything ready, I was convinced sitting on my ball and doing things in the kitchen would help with gravity. Then I went overdue 10 days. And I ran out of things to do. I watched a lot of movies to stimulate Oxytocin the love hormone and after trial and error, I found the best movies were ones with my favourite actors, that made me laugh out loud and I could relax to. For me, that was Father of the bride, Trolls and Home.

I read birth stories each morning, especially tellmeagoodbirthstory.com (as well as two great books by Ina May). I wondered but never found out, what were the early early signs of labor? Before contractions and waters breaking, there must be something! Then one day, on a walk around the block, my digestive system sped up and it felt as if I was going to crap everywhere!

Another key sign that day, I completed a bunch of ongoing tasks – I signed up Audio boom to try podcasting again and recorded the first episode (though didn’t get a chance to press publish till after), I finished a life clips video for Feb-March and finished the novel The Salt Path, reading another person’s story can also stimulate compassion and connection. Lying on the sofa while reading was really relaxing and baby seemed to like it too.

I finished off the evening by enthusiatically writing out a to do list for the morning, that of course, never got done. At 10pm I curled into the bed covers with a little cramping and a feeling that they wouldn’t go away like before.

It’s as if baby was giving me a nudge – get the ongoing tasks done first, then I will come!

CONTRACTIONS

From 10pm Wednesday 3rd April I was getting tummy cramps that seemed to be getting stronger, I couldn’t lie or sit down comfortably, I walked around the bedroom till it felt cramped to do so and went downstairs to lay across my ball and walk about some more. A little later around 11.30pm were getting stronger still and I called husband to come downstairs as going up to him seemed a big no no. He laid on the sofa and I moved around, had a shower and put on comedy The Hangover to laugh along to while contractions came thick and fast and I tracked them on an app.

By midnight I felt I wouldn’t be able to walk to the car to get to the birthing suite, so I called them and was told to wait till they were every three minutes lasting 40 seconds – 1 minute. I could still talk through them at this point but as you’ll read on, I’m a ‘quiet birther’ and generally have a high pain threshold.

At 1.30am we drove to the birthing centre and was told I was 5cm and could stay! Hooray! Only 5cm more to go! This is where my sense of time grows a bit weary. From 1.30am Wednesday to 4.30pm Thursday we stayed in the birthing suite, at a separate maternity unit to the hospital as per the original plan. It was a large room with a double bed, giant bean bag, birthing ball, pool, a stool and rebozo material. I sprinkled lavender oil around, played Kundalini music and walked around the room at leisure. The midwives were brilliant throughout, sometimes we spoke, other times they recognised our need for privacy and came back to check me and baby’s heart beat every 15 minutes.

I went in and out of the pool, at first it was so relaxing it slowed down my contractions! This baby loves the water I’m sure, each time I went swimming when pregnant baby seemed so content happily moving around.

As time went on my contractions got stronger, I used the breathing technique short breath in, long breath out and I was checked at 7cm and 10cm dilated.

THE GREAT NEED TO PUSH

From 4.30-7.30pm my body had gone from signalling pain to pushing. I had my waters broken, another completely new experience, liquid coming from you that just keeps coming uncontrollably.

What I’d wish I’d known more about, though it didn’t seem to be mentioned much in any book or blog was ‘breathing into your bottom and pushing’. Hypno birthing is big at the moment but my tracks definitely didn’t cover that! It’s a whole different experience, using muscles you wouldn’t normally! Well a little like pooping! Leonie Dawson wrote recently it as – Pooing out a refrigerator!

Pretty accurate.

Throughout this time I was checked regularly both with the doppler and a mirror, baby’s heart rate was still strong and the midwife and husband could see hair! Actual hair! I remember saying ‘That’s great but I need the whole body and the head to come out’. I tried sitting in the bath, squatting in the shower on a stool, walking, kneeling and lying down. Nothing was moving baby down far enough. By this point I was exhausted and being at a birth centre, I learned then, there was a time limit for me to be there and push before I had to go to hospital. I also said ‘There is something wrong, blocking the baby coming because I just cannot push baby out!’

I wasn’t in ‘transition’ that’s what I truly felt and a women’s intuition and body know. Later we came to find that baby was face up (I like the term sunny side up) so it made it harder to desend, also I have a feeling she was cosily pushed up against my left side.

I finally listened to husband’s repeated suggestions that ‘we need to get to hospital now’ and he swiftly packed up all our bags ready to go. Thankfully the midwife arranged for the ambulance transfer to come within 20 minutes, instead of the original hour. I don’t know how I would have coped in that much pain another hour longer, or if baby could stand it.

The only way I could describe it now is that my body was pushing and the baby was not moving. Pushing did nothing but wear me out but I wasn’t in control and if I tried to stop it, it just came stronger anyway. I will always be thankful that baby didn’t get distressed during those hours, she was strong and was I.

I laid down in the ambulance and the contractions came at every red light, I was checked again regularly with a doppler. I told people ‘It’s ok it sounds like I’m having a baby right now but I’m not yet’. We get into the maternity unit, being wheeled around on a bed is something I’ve never experienced or imagined before and transferred from person to person, machines being put on me to hear heartbeat and measure contractions.

This is when I got really emotional and even said to husband – ‘If something happens, I want to live, I like being alive!’ Again time fails me and we must have been waiting from 7.30-9pm while they got theatre ready and debriefed the team on what was happening.

Being in theatre was I suspect similar to other women’s experiences – gown on, injections given, legs numbed and in stirrups. I was awake and talking the entire time and baby came at 10.11pm after a skilled swift turn, a cut and pulled with forceps!

Baby was crying loudly and given to my upper body in all her bloody glory. Then husband got her dressed in a two-piece suit (that she’s already grown out of three weeks on!) We smiled and laughed in gratitude and amazement. It was a beautiful moment, he stayed as I was stitched up.

I came out of the theatre and the drugs were partly wearing off, think cold but itchy and slowly I regained movement in my feet then legs. We chose last minute to pay for a private room overnight (£90), it was on the plan as a possibility though it’s a lot of money when your saving. Worth it 100% for privacy, own toilet and shower. I will always be thankful for that time we had as just three of us.

After many checks, more drugs (they were powerful, so go slow in the beginning as I suffered later), catheter out and peeing successfully twice. Then baby hearing check, paying for room, eating three meals (definitely worth doing as kept my energy up and food tasted great again), seeing baby doctor and finally getting discharged we were good to go home the following evening!

I will always be thankful to the entire team of people that assisted in baby’s arrival: my husband, five different midwives, two paramedics, two nurses, an anthesis , a doctor and a theatre team! As well as all the staff who came in when I was in recovery too.

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Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

This is not a mum blog but…

April 22, 2019

This is not a mum blog but the ‘me’ before and after baby may overlap a little.

I really respect privacy and that includes our little girl’s. I may be viewed as ‘too serious’ or ‘protective’ but before baby I always wondered what those children would think or say, seeing a backlog of their life online or in articles. Would it feel invading? Embarrassing? Pleasing?

I also like this little space I’ve crafted to write about whatever I want to! To talk about what truly matters to me – is my new podcast tagline I’m adding content to.

Our little S is almost three weeks old and already life has changed so much. I used to: have 7 hours sleep, wake up early, meditate and make plans as I went. I used to write and put a post out same day! I’ve added to my birthing story so many times.

Now I recognise lower expectations and small victories go a long way. I see why other mums write ‘you’ll never procrastinate again’ or to ‘use the hour you have to do the most amount of work in’.

At this early stage napping, eating and drinking are the most important. A ripple effect can happen, either positive or negative. If all those are in sync you’re in wonder at this beautiful tiny human you both created and life flows.

Out of sync and you don’t get your afternoon nap, you forget to eat, you end up in a crying heap in the bedroom, you make demands that certain things in the home must change. Also if your breastfeeding, baby picks up on all of those ques, like a 6th sense and is not happy and doesn’t sleep either.

I bought myself the book Self-care for new mums and instead of buying for a friend’s baby boy, I bought her that book too. It’s something you can just flick through, the smoothie recipes saved the day some days and it’s not just about baby, the care of the mother can easily get missed.

Similarly, the rule in support work is you can’t support another person if you don’t take good care of yourself, through eating, regular breaks.

I’ve noticed how much of a consumer I’ve become. Not of fatty foods or TV or online shopping, of taking in information from blogs, podcasts, YouTube and general talk.

It’s a shift because I know that I am a creator more than I am a consumer.

It’s great my mind is engaged again in something but I can’t help but want to do more.

I am a creator.

With baby S attached to my breast, there’s little I can do but use my eyes and ears. My fingers can type but I’m tired, so tired and I won’t even admit it till reflecting back, as these moments are beautiful too and sometimes I just stare at her.

That’s the incredible thing about parenthood, you can have a night of constantly getting up to change nappies and feed, eyes tired, lights down the lowest you can manage so maybe it helps the baby get to sleep and you just think ‘Wow, you are amazing!’ That’s the power of love.

So I want any readers to know I’m still here, walking the long crooked path.

And today this post is my private victory!

After a lot of frowns finally a smile caught on camera!

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Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

My March accountability and Life Clips video

April 8, 2019

I’m going to start this post off a little differently to Januarys and Februarys posts on accountability, just to change things up.

It’s also becoming an interesting month as I ~~may get~~ got to the end of it still pregnant, I wrote about how to relax when overdue.

March

No spend = 6 Days
Shopping list items bought: 3
Unplanned buys: 4
Spontaneous buys: 1
Purchase regrets: 2
Unexpected bills paid: 3

This month I have:

Written two posts a week! I’m still ahead of myself on my planner.

Finished one drawing in progress and shared on Instagram.

I’ve stuck to no-low spending and will share purchase buys the first three months of the year in another post.

I bought new pens and paints and have been playing in my journals. I have well and truly RESTED! Mainly through watching feel good movies which I am set to write about too. Also less list writing.

Read two books on childbirth, both by the fabulous Ina May.

This month I haven’t:

Written any pitches or articles. I feel it’s right to do so at the moment as I don’t have enough focus to write as I’d like.

April goals:

I will be a Mom, people say pregnancy is easy, then comes labour, then comes parenting! I want to try and keep this blog as a space for writing about lifestyle and creativity. I like parent blogs but I don’t want to become one, tricky though as I enjoy writing my own experiences.

To do a short blog course, I’m already doing a free email one though I may explore another.

I’ve made the leap to Audio Boom and I may get on better podcasting on this platform. Only time and experience will tell.

Take 15-30 minutes to myself for self care.

Double the no spend days.

Do more sketch book stuff or any creativity more than I series watch. I’ve gone through After Life, Mother hood, many many movies and now I’m on Catastophe.

Art journal and share on Instagram and here, what once was the norm has become out of my comfort zone. Just do it my creative being cries!

In my last post, I mentioned I had been playing around with video out of inspiration or boredom and I’ve finished Life Clips!

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Blog / Accountability / Challenges

How I got here timeline

April 5, 2019

I’ve changed up my About Me page to something a lot shorter and current. I can’t let go of this well-put page as it has so much back story and it’s still relevant in some way. How I got here, how I got through a bunch of ‘stuff’ that life threw my way.

Throughout my life so far three things have been constant positive resources – yoga, art and writing.

I have done various forms from Hatha to Bikram to Kundalini, yoga and meditation are such powerful tools, to be experienced and used on and off the mat in real life.

I really enjoy soulfully painting with my fingers, intuitive brush work and mixed media journaling. I’m all for creativity and art making as a process, experience, a tool for self discovery and healing.

I have explored spoken word poetry as a spring board for free speech in the past, I enjoy writing poems on my typewriter and use free style morning pages to take out the trash! I write about my experiences, practises and sharing resources of what living a spiritual and creative full life is all about!

At 18 I got my first art supplies and turned boredom to curiosity and started playing in a journal. In my early twenties I discovered Kundalini Yoga and it transformed my life! On to my mid twenties where I learnt about Sikhi and started practicing in my life.

Read on to find out more about my background in Yoga, Art and Sikhi:

Let’s talk yoga:

At 13….

I started Hatha Yoga, I found a book one day in a second hand store titled just YOGA and practised the poses from pictures then I went onto follow along with a DVD every morning. My routine went like this: yoga, paper round, writing, school. Looking back I think yoga helped me immensely in school, as there were a few areas I really struggled:

Emotional balance
Self organisation
Balance and co ordination
Ability to focus
Nervousness/anxiety
Self consciousness/weight issues
Low self confidence

Although I was young and would find many ways to overcome personal challenges, yoga allowed me time and space to breathe, stretch and be more still.

At 20….

I took up yoga practice daily, this time Bikram (hot) Yoga. I was working at a job that brought me a great deal of frustration and sadness, each evening I would come home after cycling 4 miles, to do yoga for 90 minutes. Yoga helped:

Restore faith and trust in myself
To look at the bigger picture
To give me a boost of energy as I was very fatigued
To give a more positive attitude to the future and use it off the mat too

At 25….

I practised Bikram Yoga till my heating system broke and I could no longer practice it. I wasn’t sure what to try next so I stopped looking and one day before having an afternoon nap I read a preface in a book on Kundalini yoga and felt inspired and no longer tired. I mentioned it to my boyfriend at the time who encouraged me to do some videos on Youtube which I did and haven’t felt tired to nap since!

Around this time I was learning to drive and really struggled with my nerves and committing everything to memory, before my lessons I would do a Kundalini Yoga set and the instructor would notice a huge shift to driving calmly and encouraged me that whatever I was now doing to continue it!

I went along to White Tantric Yoga before my driving test and passed first time. Since then, Kundalini has brought so many positive changes into my life and I do it daily.

Here are a few:

I respond rather than react
I breathe fluidly and deeply, before I would hold my breath in times of anxiety causing panic attacks
I no longer get worried and fret about small issues
I feel a sense of support and guidance
I’m more present and have energy
I can communicate more easily with all kinds of people
I take better care of my skin and body
I switched to more nourishing foods
I live my truth from the whole of me – Sat (truth) Nam (identity)
I make life changes with less decision fatigue and more courage

At 26…

I went to a the Great British Kundalini festival and met wonderful people, one of them mentioned I should go to a talk by Basics of Sikhi called ‘Who is Guru Nanak?’ And though there was another great workshop at the same time and was tempted to go, I thought of all the times I’d sing a Kirtan song with ‘Guru’ in it and trusted the word of my new friend. That is how I came to learn about Sikhi. A faith, religion and way of life: remembrance to God, Waheguru, the one creator as an infinite source around us and the source of everything, truthful living, equality of mankind. Singing praises in holy company, meditation, honest living and serving mankind are just some of the messages of Sikhi.

Since then I have chosen the Sikhi path and continue to learn through videos, podcasts, books and going to Gurdwaras. (I join in with Christian celebrations and still have my own ways of being, my values have changed and realisations..)

At 27….
I did Kundalini Level 1 teacher training with Sahej Academy! For my own personal development, interest in yoga and meditation and to teach others.

Yoga and meditation are incredible tools that you can begin using right away.

Let’s talk Art and writing:

Writing has been a free tool that I have used since I started doing yoga at 13 years old, I used to journalevery morning between a paper round and school. I enjoy it, I write about myself easily and information that may be useful to people in some way. There is a beauty to writing, to being honest and not knowing who may stumble upon what you produce and the impact you have on their day, their life.

At 18 I started painting, I am mostly self taught through books, videos and blog posts. I have around 20 large paintings that are stored away and no photos of them, I feel like part of me is lost to the reader! I have attended some drawing classes and dropped out of a drawing course having learnt a lot of incredible things and really surprised myself to my abilities. Bottom line though: I am a painter, I paint and learn whatever I want, on my own terms. I paint in a range of styles: folk, outsider, abstract, expressionism with acrylics and mixed media. You can view my works in my portfolio.
I’d like people to feel their own aliveness and to look deeper into their truth in my paintings.

I used to have a big creative space, I loved it, I practically lived in it. However a change of circumstance minimised my creative space to about the size of a large box. I don’t paint BIG anymore, I don’t splatter my art brush like I used to, this prompted a website to combine yoga and small art in 2017. I am reminded that everything is temporary and to look at the silver linings. Creativity and Art are not luxuries!

Creativity and self development saw me through depression and a job change, to happier times.

“I paint my own reality. The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to, and I paint whatever passes through my head without any other consideration.”
― Frida Kahlo

My creative space expanded to a larger room and in 2018 I took a break from teaching yoga and began writing stories in a project I want to publish in the near future. This is the year I got married and I’m finally finding my feet again and drawing, writing, painting! Finding your way to happiness again in life is key. I feel blessed for the opportunity to share once again!

Here’s to failing, getting up, failing, getting up!

And a brief bit on Sikhi:

I found out about Sikhi one Summer and from there I learnt from Basics of Sikhi, Nanak Naam, GurbaniMC and attending my local Gurdwara, for a much more in-depth description read My journey into Sikhi, the long version.

Practicing Sikhi through Simran, Banis, Sangat and Seva has become the most important of my life that it’s impossible to mention in such a short paragraph! If your unfamiliar with these terms that’s ok, I want to use this blog as chance to educate people about Sikhi while also holding a space for creative living that absolutely anyone is welcome to visit and gather ideas and inspiration from to live a full happy life!

‘Make truth your self discipline and make good deeds the lines you draw; make chanting the name your cleansing bath’. – Siri Guru Granth Sahib

To find out what I’m up to now go to my new About page!

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