Motherhood + Selfcare Archives

Toddlers and technology

January 12, 2021

There are two pieces of advice I have been following when it comes to technology and a toddler, one from Phillippa Perry’s The book your parents should have read (and your children will be glad you did) and the other from a friend who writes over at mamapleasedontcry.com

Perry’s book is the first book I’ve read that captures the essence of what we want parents to be like and shares honest stories from her experience and clients she’s had of how it happens. Sure we can create a balance, routine and open the door for honest communication though it isn’t instantaneous and slowly, through much repetition manifests.

Let’s talk about the iPhone, SK loves a new gadget the same as any small human with a developing brain and the line I use is ‘I cannot allow you to use my phone’. It’s simple, it’s direct and to the point. I felt I was growing in assertiveness and boundaries the first few dozen times I used it. It has worked to a point, though there’s something else that has helped greatly.

The notion of less importance.

It’s perfectly illustrated between me and my partner, I am learning the ways of a ‘digital minimalist’ I talk about this more in this video. I have removed apps from my phone such as social media, youtube, Netflix, and BBCiplayer. If I for some reason want to share something or watch something and can’t do so from my other devices, I install the app carry out my task then delete it again. This helps me feel less consumed by the age of information, I feel less attached to the online world and my phone is simply more of a phone.

I spend more of my waking days in tasks, in play, and generally more present, I’m not scrolling and overall I think it shows I value real-time in the here and now. I’m also less interested in the validation of others through likes.

Our little one gets bored, hands me back the phone to put on the shelf and walks away (most of the time).

A phone is a communication device, the moment it becomes a source of watching videos it becomes like a handheld TV. Not only that but it’s tailored to your toddler’s fingertips as they at age 20 months learn to scroll, flick, press stuff. Oh god, what are you watching?? Who are you calling??

My partner, however, is a techno enthusiast. I’m not sure how this has happened as I don’t remember him being like this when we met. I feel the online world of apps is very persuasive, they reel you in to escape and buy yet more stuff till time has gone by and all you have done is watch a screen while the household is being managed in the background. I understand that it can be a source of learning, even prayer books are on there and in this time of social distancing Sangat (holy company). Though I have problems when I need some disengagement from technology and an all hands on deck approach, yesterday.

Another thing I have learned is not to fall into deprivation, depriving a person of something (no matter how small) that is there and they wanted a long toddler two minutes. So that allowing in allowing the time and giving one or two verbal reminders that it is coming off soon and not grabbing it forcefully. After all, if we were working in our job, how would we feel if someone closed off the power to our computer – pretty annoyed! Our concentration has gone and respect out of the window. I would much prefer a warning the power was going to be shut off first.

Here are some guidelines and balance I have arrived at with my partner so far:

When you come home Youtube, Children’s Youtube, Netflix and any other app like it will be deleted if you are to have your phone out all the time with our child (obviously I wouldn’t do this with guests or anyone else). I’ve found SK gets bored quickly when there’s nothing to watch and eventually tires of listening to music and looking at videos of herself. I’d rather her watch things on a bigger screen like you know olden times…

I’ve removed your social media from the front screen so she can’t easily flick through other people’s stuff on Instagram. I haven’t deleted the apps though my basic rule is everything can be uploaded again and you’re not missing out on not having it all the time.

No iPads before bedtime, use it when she is defiantly asleep (like I do) if I need to delete Youtube I will every time. We have books! This may sound harsh and even controlling though when you have been caring for a little one 12 hours and you want to rest, the last thing you need is an iPad to bump that number up to a 16 hour day.

Still a work in progress. Share your thoughts in the comments below!

Photo by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash

No Comment

Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

Filling up my cup each morning as a new mum

June 28, 2019

Being a new mum is wonderful, it’s great. Though at times it’s work. A job with many joys, a labor of love.

I’m finding there’s a little extra time in my mornings now, S.Kaur sleeps till 9ish if we’re not rushing to go somewhere. Sometimes, only once recently, I got a full nights sleep, 7 hours.

This brings me to an open window of time, say 4-6am then 6am-9am. Though I am tired beyond getting up if I’ve got up already in the night or not slept well.

There’s a window of opportunity to get up and fill my cup somehow.
The first time this happened on a good nights sleep I was ecstatic! I wasn’t even sure where to put the extra energy. Of course, it didn’t last and I overlooked a key new mum rule – don’t expect every night/day to be the same.

Still, I have this time and it’s golden. It’s not always a tidy space or enlightening experience but it’s Taran time and I love it.

Before I go into what I’ve actually been doing, another fault I found was to do a lot of things, even enjoyable and things like exercise and writing and get so overwhelmed in the doingness of it all, it leaves no time to rest in the silence, the tranquility. Also not having a cut off time can lead to feeling disheartened and a longing to do more.

It instills discipline at least, and good habit making even if the schedule is different slightly every day.

While I haven’t mastered anything just yet, here’s three things that are working now:

A warm shower followed by a cold shower, opens up the capillaries and activates the glandular and the nervous system. It’s being proven now in clinical trials to help depression as it sends many electrical impulses to the brain. This is a huge part of a Kundalini lifestyle and just one reason it’s called a science. Before, I never used to have showers in the morning, I would of thought it weird but they’re great and surprising how long you can stay under cold water.

A short yoga set followed by meditation. I’m currently doing 40 days of meditation to burn inner anger and at first, I was doing alternate leg stretches, camel ride and pelvic tilts to wake my body up and focus for meditation. Then, this block of time emerged and I started doing actual yoga sets again! It feels wonderful, I’m feeling like my best self again. The key thing to remember is all yoga Kriyas (unless specified) must be followed by a Savasana or rest of around 3-9 minutes. This is so you rest after all the postures and movements you’ve done and your body is energized and repairs too. You work for your Savasana and that’s where the real work happens.

I ask myself what is the one thing I can do that will drive my business forward. Or one thing I want to get done today. I’m in the process of setting up Yoga classes again, this time regularly in a hall and at home. This requires some learning, planning, admin and being inspired. I start with whatever I can do best with no interruptions and track my progress daily.

I also read Bani (reading Sikh prayers) though I definitely do not have the time nor the energy to sit for an hour and a half at the moment. I spoke about this in the podcast Nitnem, sometimes. What I do do is read the first Banis and they are my one point focus, I have them playing, I do Simran and I read, then listen to the discourse on the daily Hukumnana. Though not necessarily in that order. I’m also making an effort to listen and watch Kathas.

As S.Kaur grows I’m sure it will change, for now, I’m doing the best I can.

What do you find works for you in the mornings? Or as a new mum what are you re-remembering of yourself?

No Comment

Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

Don’t seize the day

June 6, 2019

I’m finding (as a new mum) there is no specific ‘day’ to seize, only moments.
Pockets of time to squeeze in an activity or get a burst of inspiration.

While she naps I have a chunk of time though I’m not sure how long the timeline of that will be. As wonderful as it is (especially when there’s no one around to interrupt me) I don’t want her napping all day, she can play!

In these moments I take a quick shower, meditate, read/listen to prayers, watch Sikhnet, Basics of Sikhi or a Ted talk. I rewash bottles and prepare the next one, I fold laundry and listen to podcasts. Sometimes I make a podcast too on True talks with Taran.

Last night I had a dream with many parts that I’m trying to connect. It inspired me to open my journal after months of it sitting in a box, to seize the moment and record it. What do a cat, dog, super Dan (from Brooklyn Nine-Nine), sleeping husband, a table, a TV show I loathe and the Japji have in common? No idea, they must connect somehow?

Seize the day is something I used to go with on my days off, I used to say ‘I thought I’d seize the day and do a b c today!’

If it works for you – use it!

Though for now, I will seize moments, like this to write a short post. To meditate for 23 minutes or plan a short yoga class.

Things can get done even if they don’t feel they ever will.

Small steps big action.

If it gets too much, it often does for me, then slow your breathing right down. Tummy breathe.

Slower.

Do you also seize moments too? Share it below!

No Comment

Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

A transferable skill – One step ahead mama

May 19, 2019

A phrase I read on A couple of sense’s blog on life with a new baby has stuck with me ‘You will never procrastinate again’ and mostly, it is true.

I found myself thinking and saying aloud lately ‘It feels like I’m always in a state of doing’, ‘There’s always something to do’. Whether it be making bottles up, sterilizing the previous ones, putting a wash on, preparing a bag for a short trip out then to plan that around feeding and changing and finally leaving the front door!

I found for the first time in ages these thoughts disrupted my usual nap or sleep. I couldn’t switch off. At all. Not doing any form of creativity only makes it worse as I add on top things I could do and jot ideas down. A 30-minute nap turned into 30 minutes lying horizontal with my thoughts and silence.

‘I’m only here for Savasana’ totally fits.

A skill being busy does bring about is – being one step ahead- and it’s transferable. I now see why so many mums and dads I’ve been employed alongside me get things done and have a laid back attitude too.

This may seem obvious but it takes motivation and care to get up in the night and pump or check bottles, prepare with water, have a station set out so that 20 minutes before feed time – you are ready. No cries, no wails, you’ve got this and soon your baby and you go back to sleep.

If your not ahead or at least prepared, then you just get behind and it feels like you are crawling to get to where you should be.

I notice what feels good, accept I may not have it all sorted and what I can do to change things and feel good again.

Something I learned from listening to Jay Shetty being I interviewed on Under the Skin, a podcast with Russel Brand is that he used to say ‘I’ve had a busy day’ though it didn’t serve him in getting things done or reflecting on his day. He changed it up to ‘I’ve had a productive day’ and found it served him more in feeling good about his day and had a better sleep too.

As a new mum, I often don’t feel productive, life before meant I only associated productivity with some form of creativity, writing, painting or bullet journaling. Though if I’ve successfully fed, changed, put to sleep, fed, changed, entertained a little person (on repeat throughout the day, a 16 hour day) surely that is productive? Also on top of that if we’ve got out in the morning to see other mums and babies or go for a walk in the fresh air that is even more of a feat and surely productive and a great achievement in its own right.

So I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, neither should you.

And…If on days like today where I get to write then DAMN I have been productive.

Creativity is like a muscle, the more you use the more you strengthen it and creating becomes a habit then goal setting follows, something I’m going to dive deep back into.

No Comment

Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

Why breast isn’t always best – From breast feeding to formula

May 12, 2019

It amazes me how you learn and experience so much in the first five weeks of having a newborn baby, I have so much I want to write about but I’m so tired to do so! It’s as if I open my sketchbook or laptop and she hears, baby S is back in business!

Today I’ve set a timer and I’m writing, she’s napping (and yeah usually I would too as the new mum advice says to) it’s quiet, I’m writing, perfect harmony.

To start off with, when I was pregnant (as a first-time mum) I wasn’t even sure I could breastfeed. When it was brought up in a group I just nervously said ‘Yeah, I want to, if I can, you never know’. I wasn’t against formula or pro it either, there used to be a stigma around it being bad but I couldn’t really remember why. Were parents lazy? Could they just afford to buy their milk instead of using the free good stuff?

I wasn’t naive, though innocent having never been a mother.

I loved reading Ina May’s Spiritual Midwifery while pregnant, everything seemed so back to nature, women breastfeeding smiling and there is no mention of bottling milk anywhere.

In the days leading up to baby’s birth, we bought some Hungry Infant formula, just in case.

After the not to plan but beautiful birth anyway, unable to move my legs, covered in a heated blow up blanket and shivering while the meds wore off, I was encouraged to breastfeed and she took to it straight away! It felt like a miracle! It was as if she learned how to do it in the womb, staying in there an extra 10 days.

In our private room at the hospital, another great addition if available and can afford to, it was just the three of us, nurses popped in and again, were very encouraging about feeding on the breast.

Whether it was nurses, family or later at the doctors, the response to me breastfeeding was met with an enthusiastic ‘Good!’ Looking back I had been labeled ‘good’, what if I wasn’t, was I then ‘bad’?

The term ‘breast on demand’ was thrown around by the midwives and health visitor and at first, it sounded and was exciting a new challenge! My baby can only come to me for food as her mother that is my duty and privilege.

A week, then two and three go by and baby S is more grizzly than before, no one knows why she is crying. To my senses she’s full, having a full 40 minutes of breastfeeding twenty minutes before. This carries on and despite the beautiful skin to skin contact we were having at regular intervals, if there’s no breast, the baby is cross. She frowns, avoids my gaze and cries and cries.

Gradually people are coming up with the conclusion she’s hungry, she can’t be! I say back.

Slowly but surely people are talking about trying out formula. I listen and take in the words but I feel like a complete failure. A rocky sea brings hormonal waves of bursts of crying like I’ve been at a funeral and I just can-not-stop-crying.

People are now telling me if I’m sad the baby will sense it through the milk I make.

In true style to me, I research and read articles, I go on forums, then and only then, I take up the idea of formula. People can tell me their opinions all they want and they were respectful and wise enough to know I have the final say as her mother.

I make the decision to try formula, even though it feels like I’m failing at life (I even said this to my husband after a whole day of looking after baby S, not how I envisioned how we’d spend our time at new garden furniture), I feel guilty that it’s not ‘my’ milk and look at her as if to say ‘I’m sorry. Do you like it? Do you prefer mine? I’m really unsure about this but there are vitamins in this too’.

She takes the whole 4 ml. She looks at me REALLY looks at me and sleeps fine. I can see for the first time in weeks she’s happy and full. Our baby’s happy! A weight lifted and I felt happier too.

Also, I can see clearly now that the only person that had judged me was me. Family had supplemented with formula, so had my mum and a good friend reminded me that it’s a benefit of the modern world when years ago people struggled and babies were weak and sick.

As the bottled milk had such a great effect, I decided to finally use the pump so I could give her my milk in a bottle too. This gave me the maternal sense of giving and freedom to let her Nannie and Dad feed her too.

I then fell down the rabbit hole of learning the best methods of pumping, I fell into a comparison of all the mums on Youtube who went from making a little to a lotta milk. I pumped every three hours, the more you pump the more you send signals to your boobs that you’re up for making more to feed your baby. The more you have in little baggies in the freezer for ‘just in case’ the better.

But it’s not, not always or for everyone.

At first, I didn’t mind pumping, a common notion around new mums, I felt I was giving and while pumping I drank more water (more water and small but often meals means more supply), I enjoyed smoothies with cacao, oats, flaxseed and banana, I read a book or watched a show on Netflix. It felt refreshing to have a baby free twenty minutes. The only downside was I couldn’t really use my hands to do anything, I had one hand free to hold something and one hand on the pump. Also, Baby S didn’t take to the grinding hum of the pump so I went into another room to do so.

A small price to pay I thought at first.

Over time it became more frustrating, to give up the time I could have been playing with her, napping or tidying to simply sit and pump. Especially as she was taking so well to the formula.

I went into research mode and other mums on forums wrote they gave breast milk till their baby was four months or eight months, that was a long feat for me! Finally, I found other mums that stopped in a matter of weeks, it took some digging, though whatever you choose — breast only, breast and bottle feeding, a bit of both or just formula, you will find a supporting article for you.

I then feel into the guilt trip and worries of stopping pumping googling an unlimited number of sentences ‘Should I just give formula?’ ‘What happens when stop pumping? ’It turns out yes you can if you so choose and time. Ice too, though I haven’t tried yet.

As staring at my meditation space today and the window outside at the only sunny day we’ve had all week, I chose two things cutting my pumping session short, to meditate and then go for a walk outside. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and decisions, at family who were visiting in a few hours. I knew what would really serve me and happy mummy equals a happy baby, right?

I managed a short meditation, I spoke up about something that was frustrating me. I went for a walk and sat on a bench to gather my thoughts and turn them round Byron Katie’s The Work style and chilled out with family. I had a real conversation with another new mum (I’d been determined to have big talk rather than small talk) and baby had lots of cuddles, falling asleep in her Uncles arms.

No Comment

Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

Not to plan but beautiful birth

April 28, 2019

Firstly, I just want to say that I had whole heartedly planned for as natural as possible birth. I wrote on my birth preferences to only have drugs and any surgery if necessary for delivery. My story could easily be written as a ‘traumatic birth story’ and I’m not jumping to have more children yet. It seems crazy to me that as soon as you have a baby, people are intent that you will have another, when truly, I’m not sure! Society has it’s place of projecting people have more than one child. I will love and care for the one that’s come into the world and perhaps there is some emotional, as well as physical healing to be done.

MATERNITY LEAVE

I went on maternity leave as soon as I could, I felt unfulfilled in my role and was eager to leave. I also had immense upper back pain till about six months, it came on and off, especially when driving. This was a huge shift in thinking and doing as I used really worry about having enough money though this time I put health and my relationship first.

I used the three months to leisurely do a writing course online, do short art journaling course and paint in my journals. We went for tons of walks, even managing to find some woods in the built up area of London that we live. I saved money! I wrote about it here.

I had everything ready, I was convinced sitting on my ball and doing things in the kitchen would help with gravity. Then I went overdue 10 days. And I ran out of things to do. I watched a lot of movies to stimulate Oxytocin the love hormone and after trial and error, I found the best movies were ones with my favourite actors, that made me laugh out loud and I could relax to. For me, that was Father of the bride, Trolls and Home.

I read birth stories each morning, especially tellmeagoodbirthstory.com (as well as two great books by Ina May). I wondered but never found out, what were the early early signs of labor? Before contractions and waters breaking, there must be something! Then one day, on a walk around the block, my digestive system sped up and it felt as if I was going to crap everywhere!

Another key sign that day, I completed a bunch of ongoing tasks – I signed up Audio boom to try podcasting again and recorded the first episode (though didn’t get a chance to press publish till after), I finished a life clips video for Feb-March and finished the novel The Salt Path, reading another person’s story can also stimulate compassion and connection. Lying on the sofa while reading was really relaxing and baby seemed to like it too.

I finished off the evening by enthusiatically writing out a to do list for the morning, that of course, never got done. At 10pm I curled into the bed covers with a little cramping and a feeling that they wouldn’t go away like before.

It’s as if baby was giving me a nudge – get the ongoing tasks done first, then I will come!

CONTRACTIONS

From 10pm Wednesday 3rd April I was getting tummy cramps that seemed to be getting stronger, I couldn’t lie or sit down comfortably, I walked around the bedroom till it felt cramped to do so and went downstairs to lay across my ball and walk about some more. A little later around 11.30pm were getting stronger still and I called husband to come downstairs as going up to him seemed a big no no. He laid on the sofa and I moved around, had a shower and put on comedy The Hangover to laugh along to while contractions came thick and fast and I tracked them on an app.

By midnight I felt I wouldn’t be able to walk to the car to get to the birthing suite, so I called them and was told to wait till they were every three minutes lasting 40 seconds – 1 minute. I could still talk through them at this point but as you’ll read on, I’m a ‘quiet birther’ and generally have a high pain threshold.

At 1.30am we drove to the birthing centre and was told I was 5cm and could stay! Hooray! Only 5cm more to go! This is where my sense of time grows a bit weary. From 1.30am Wednesday to 4.30pm Thursday we stayed in the birthing suite, at a separate maternity unit to the hospital as per the original plan. It was a large room with a double bed, giant bean bag, birthing ball, pool, a stool and rebozo material. I sprinkled lavender oil around, played Kundalini music and walked around the room at leisure. The midwives were brilliant throughout, sometimes we spoke, other times they recognised our need for privacy and came back to check me and baby’s heart beat every 15 minutes.

I went in and out of the pool, at first it was so relaxing it slowed down my contractions! This baby loves the water I’m sure, each time I went swimming when pregnant baby seemed so content happily moving around.

As time went on my contractions got stronger, I used the breathing technique short breath in, long breath out and I was checked at 7cm and 10cm dilated.

THE GREAT NEED TO PUSH

From 4.30-7.30pm my body had gone from signalling pain to pushing. I had my waters broken, another completely new experience, liquid coming from you that just keeps coming uncontrollably.

What I’d wish I’d known more about, though it didn’t seem to be mentioned much in any book or blog was ‘breathing into your bottom and pushing’. Hypno birthing is big at the moment but my tracks definitely didn’t cover that! It’s a whole different experience, using muscles you wouldn’t normally! Well a little like pooping! Leonie Dawson wrote recently it as – Pooing out a refrigerator!

Pretty accurate.

Throughout this time I was checked regularly both with the doppler and a mirror, baby’s heart rate was still strong and the midwife and husband could see hair! Actual hair! I remember saying ‘That’s great but I need the whole body and the head to come out’. I tried sitting in the bath, squatting in the shower on a stool, walking, kneeling and lying down. Nothing was moving baby down far enough. By this point I was exhausted and being at a birth centre, I learned then, there was a time limit for me to be there and push before I had to go to hospital. I also said ‘There is something wrong, blocking the baby coming because I just cannot push baby out!’

I wasn’t in ‘transition’ that’s what I truly felt and a women’s intuition and body know. Later we came to find that baby was face up (I like the term sunny side up) so it made it harder to desend, also I have a feeling she was cosily pushed up against my left side.

I finally listened to husband’s repeated suggestions that ‘we need to get to hospital now’ and he swiftly packed up all our bags ready to go. Thankfully the midwife arranged for the ambulance transfer to come within 20 minutes, instead of the original hour. I don’t know how I would have coped in that much pain another hour longer, or if baby could stand it.

The only way I could describe it now is that my body was pushing and the baby was not moving. Pushing did nothing but wear me out but I wasn’t in control and if I tried to stop it, it just came stronger anyway. I will always be thankful that baby didn’t get distressed during those hours, she was strong and was I.

I laid down in the ambulance and the contractions came at every red light, I was checked again regularly with a doppler. I told people ‘It’s ok it sounds like I’m having a baby right now but I’m not yet’. We get into the maternity unit, being wheeled around on a bed is something I’ve never experienced or imagined before and transferred from person to person, machines being put on me to hear heartbeat and measure contractions.

This is when I got really emotional and even said to husband – ‘If something happens, I want to live, I like being alive!’ Again time fails me and we must have been waiting from 7.30-9pm while they got theatre ready and debriefed the team on what was happening.

Being in theatre was I suspect similar to other women’s experiences – gown on, injections given, legs numbed and in stirrups. I was awake and talking the entire time and baby came at 10.11pm after a skilled swift turn, a cut and pulled with forceps!

Baby was crying loudly and given to my upper body in all her bloody glory. Then husband got her dressed in a two-piece suit (that she’s already grown out of three weeks on!) We smiled and laughed in gratitude and amazement. It was a beautiful moment, he stayed as I was stitched up.

I came out of the theatre and the drugs were partly wearing off, think cold but itchy and slowly I regained movement in my feet then legs. We chose last minute to pay for a private room overnight (£90), it was on the plan as a possibility though it’s a lot of money when your saving. Worth it 100% for privacy, own toilet and shower. I will always be thankful for that time we had as just three of us.

After many checks, more drugs (they were powerful, so go slow in the beginning as I suffered later), catheter out and peeing successfully twice. Then baby hearing check, paying for room, eating three meals (definitely worth doing as kept my energy up and food tasted great again), seeing baby doctor and finally getting discharged we were good to go home the following evening!

I will always be thankful to the entire team of people that assisted in baby’s arrival: my husband, five different midwives, two paramedics, two nurses, an anthesis , a doctor and a theatre team! As well as all the staff who came in when I was in recovery too.

No Comment

Motherhood + Selfcare / Blog

Older Posts